It has been almost two weeks since my mother passed from this life. I was with her for the final week 24 hours a day, seven days a week. She lived in another state from me, so I wasn’t with her on a regular basis.
When I wrote my last post, I had been in Kansas for about nine days taking care of my mother. When that time ended, we thought she was out of the woods and on the mend. But, it wasn’t too much longer until I got emergency phone calls and the final phone call that she needed to be in hospice.
That last week was a difficult week in many ways. And it was a magnificent gift. I loved my mother, as I’m sure almost everyone does. But, I didn’t always like her. She was very judgmental, racist, and always quick to tell you what was wrong with everyone. When she was alive, I often felt negative thoughts toward her because of her anger and judgmentalness. In effect, I was being angry and judgmental at her because she was being angry and judgmental at other people.
During that last week, because we knew the time was short, I didn’t find myself getting caught up in her negativity. It was still there, to be sure. But, I realized that this was truly the last time I was going to have with her here on this physical plane. I was not going to waste any of that time getting wrapped up in her negativity, or judging her negativity.
As she progressed from being lucid to being unresponsive, I found myself thinking about some of those big questions. What is life, anyway? What is consciousness? When she was dying, did the part of her that was ego – personality based give way to a higher conscious self?