It has been almost two weeks since my mother passed from this life. I was with her for the final week 24 hours a day, seven days a week. She lived in another state from me, so I wasn’t with her on a regular basis.
When I wrote my last post, I had been in Kansas for about nine days taking care of my mother. When that time ended, we thought she was out of the woods and on the mend. But, it wasn’t too much longer until I got emergency phone calls and the final phone call that she needed to be in hospice.
That last week was a difficult week in many ways. And it was a magnificent gift. I loved my mother, as I’m sure almost everyone does. But, I didn’t always like her. She was very judgmental, racist, and always quick to tell you what was wrong with everyone. When she was alive, I often felt negative thoughts toward her because of her anger and judgmentalness. In effect, I was being angry and judgmental at her because she was being angry and judgmental at other people.
During that last week, because we knew the time was short, I didn’t find myself getting caught up in her negativity. It was still there, to be sure. But, I realized that this was truly the last time I was going to have with her here on this physical plane. I was not going to waste any of that time getting wrapped up in her negativity, or judging her negativity.
As she progressed from being lucid to being unresponsive, I found myself thinking about some of those big questions. What is life, anyway? What is consciousness? When she was dying, did the part of her that was ego – personality based give way to a higher conscious self?
For the first couple of days after she passed, I was in a sort of state of shock. I had to deal with the funeral home, her creditors, and many other pressing issues. I think that in order to not be overwhelmed by everything, my consciousness placed the processing of my feelings about her death in a little “closet” in my mind.
But once all of those mundane and very detailed processes were handled, I found myself dwelling on her death. She died only a couple of days before my birthday. I actually cannot remember much about my birthday. It’s wrapped up in the fog with other issues.
Many of those issues have to do with thinking about my own mortality. Even though I am not afraid of death, and I know that my consciousness will survive this body, I still have issues related to becoming an invalid or being in a lot of pain. My mother had some considerable pain because she had acute lymphoblastic leukemia. Because of what it was doing to attack her bone marrow, she had a lot of pain in her bones.
Interestingly enough, on the day before she died, she began to refuse food, water and medication. I kept asking her if she had any pain and she kept saying no. So, there was some point in the process as she was separating from her body, that she also separated from the pain. I was grateful for that.
Another issue that came up for me, has to do with the fact that I am now an “orphan.” My father died in 1982. And one of my two brothers died in 2006. So, I only have one brother left and no parents. It happens to all of us eventually – if we do not go first.
My remaining brother and I don’t stay in close contact. He is a fundamentalist Christian who thinks I am going to hell for practicing metaphysical and spiritual rituals. His love of religion is only surpassed by his love of guns. Unfortunately, I do not have a passion for either one. I think both religion and guns are far more destructive than they are useful. Needless to say, we have very little common ground. So, in effect, I am alone, at least when it comes to family.
There is a certain sorrow that comes with thinking you are alone. You feel like you don’t have any support in this world. But, I realize that my real support in this world doesn’t come from family, it doesn’t come from the economy, it comes from Source. Since my connection to Source cannot be severed, then I always have all of the support I need. I only need to recognize that, remember that, and call upon Source when I am in need. It is important for me and for other people to remember that, especially when they are feeling down.